Caution: If you don't know me and don't want to read about me complaing you probably shouldN'T read this entry.
Something that I'm pretty sure my entire family doesn't know about me is that I do actually have a desire to get married and be a mommy. I think this desire came during the mission when we would teach families that they could be together forever. Ever since then I want to build the kingdom one little sister/ elder missionary at a time. The problem is that I don't date. And when I say that I don't date I'm totally serious. I'm shy, close your mouths everyone it's true, and I can't really talk to boys. My sisters on the other hand are dating machines and both have ended up in serious relationships one after the other. Although I'm happy for them it's hard being the oldest and seeing your younger siblings lives progress where as yours stays the same. I know my parents worry that I never will get married. Especially my mom. After what happened to my sister Hannah's engagement I'm pretty sure that my Dad wouldn't mind if all of his daughters never got married. But back to me....
I have insecurities that are probably holding me back from being more out going. To be 100% honest, since all of you who read my blog are my good friends, I've noticed that the BIG difference between me and my sisters is that they are twigs. That shouldn't matter to me. My dad really gets frustrated when I point things like that out when my parents wounder why I'm not dating but I swear to you this big difference does make a BIG difference. I work with great guys at the MTC. Most of the time during my shift I'm the only girl there. Sometimes the brethren forget that I am in fact a girl and start talking about the new "HOT" babe that they've seen/ been dating. I haven't told them that hearing things like, " Man she has a great body," really bothers me. It's not their fault. It's my own insecurities. I'm pretty sure that I'm going through a phaze. Don't worry I look in the mirror some days and think "Dang Ash you're doing great today." But when your 18 year old sister is dating a boy when she has only been in college for almost 3 months it makes you feel old and reflect on what you could be doing wrong. I'm writing this in my blog because my blog feels like therapy sometimes. If I can just get most things out in writing I normally feel better. Hopfeully this will be one of those times. Well that's all from me...
GO BYU!!! BEAT THE U!!!
5 years ago
8 comments:
Ash.
If only you could see yourself in a more positive light. You're amazing! And you don't want a guy anyway that only focuses on you're "hot bod." You want someone who accepts you WARTS AND ALL!!! (not that you have any, but you get my point, right?)
Stop comparing yourself to your sisters. You're not them. You're a completely different individual with talents and attributes that they don't have. Focus on your strengths and be positive about who you are and are becoming. Why do we waste our time being so negative about ourselves. BE POSITIVE!! I've got a poem for you by Dr. Seuss.
Today you are you, that is truer than true. There's no one alive who is youer than you. SHOUT OUT LOUD, I'm glad to be who I am. Thank goodness I'm not a clam, or a ham, or a dusty old bottle of gooseberry jam. I am what I am, what a great thing to be. If I say so my self,
Happy Everyday to me!
Rejoice in the many great things you've done, are doing, and will do. And i know it will be a journey, but accept yourself.
hey hun. we haven't talked in FOREVER! but.... i think skye and i can relate to parts of this entry and so let's just all be spinsters together and adopt a bunch of baby tyrones. sound good? no, i know. but seriously, you are incredible and i love you and some decent man out there will love you too. soon.
I have already given my two cents on this, but I just want you to know that you are loved... I agree with Kjell and Lindsy (especially the live together and have many cats!)hahaha. But I totally get where you are coming from.
I know this may be weird coming from you boss' wife, but I think I could have written that EXACT SAME entry only about 5 years ago and I have only been married 4 1/2 years-we dated and got married fast....in my family there are 4 girls and I am the second and this is the order we got married in: 3rd girl, 2 years later 2nd(me), 2 weeks later 4th girl, then 4 months later 1st girl... point being that I seriously never dated-okay maybe 1 date every 6 or 8 months-there were many many 1st dates and I'm not going to lie it sucked, but the truth is (especially in mormon circles) that can change so so fast.....ask Andrew to set you up- tell him I told you that if he doesn't he won't ever get the motorcycle he wants....that's how Andrew and I met, my brother-in-law and Andrew were both teachers at the same time and we were a blind date....the very truth of the matter is there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and even if there was- I firmly believe there is a guy out there to complement whatever is....I mean look how weird Andrew is so that must say something about me right? :)
Oh and as for those guy teachers talking about hot bods and crap- they're stupid...seriously stupid...(don't tell Andrew I was talking bad about his teachers)....but dating and marriage- atleast good dating and a good marriage with a good husband- has so much less to do with whether or not the spouse (husband and wife) is "hot" and more to do with how good a friend, how fun, caring, committed to you and the gospel, and how strong mentally and spiritually they are....I lucked out with that with Andrew, but I don't think I really realized that when I was in the dating (or lack of dating) phase of my life, but have realized that more and more the longer I have been married....Sorry this was really long and perhaps not at all helpful, but I seriously felt the exact same way for a long time and have strong feeling (and opinions) about it
I know you're not fishing for comments like this, but here's one anyway:
I LOVE YOU ASHLEIGH!!!!!!!
Thanks guys! I'm doing better now:)
Did I ever tell you that I love you and miss you?? We need to see you this weekend before you go home for Christmas- what is your day like Sat during the am or daytime?
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